I'm a Dick

I'm kind of a dick, when I think about it. I mean, not all the time, mind you. but there are just some times when everything bugs me and I could rant for hours about anything. Church hypocrisy, Immaturity, Human idiocy you name it. I'm sure that those who know me have heard me rant alot about these things and others before, but I don't reserve these rants for when I have an audience, oh no. If I'm in the car by myself and something gets to me all of a sudden, I'll bust out a rant. I had a rather good 20 minute rant on self-rightous people a few days back, all to the steering wheel. it was pretty angry too. I wasn't giving the steering wheel much chance to give me a response. I'm also insane. did we cover that?

I feel Stupid

Some times, I feel really really dumb. Usually after I do something really dumb. Which is more often than I'd like. Its not that I'm dumb or anything. not really. I'm just chronically unaware. I fail to notice things. I think thats really it.

Oh yeah, it looks like I have a job working security, cool stuff.

catch you on the flip side.

I'm no superman

Heya all.

Well, This whole thing started spinning in my head when I was watching an episode of Scrubs the other day. Amazing show, anyways. Anybody who has known me for a significant amount of time knows two things (at least, but these are important for this rant.) The first is that I can't sing, and the second is that I often try to in spite of the first point. I rarely sing, however, the opening theme to TV shows, with the exception of Scrubs. I've been trying to figure out why and I think I may have it. First thing out, the opening to Scrubs is short.

"I can't do this all on my own,
no, I know
I'm no superman.
I'm no superman."

Its that simple. The second reason I sing it everytime I watch scrubs is how much I love the beat, I have to get the full song. The last and most important reason though, is that I really feel what the lyrics are saying. I can't do it on my own, no one can. Humans are social creatures, and we almost instinctively depend on others all the time. Is that bad? not usually. Try and do something completely on your own, something tough, and you will often be stymied. you have to work from scratch, and if you were taught something by someone else, you get no credit. aren't you just SO HOSED?

Even Superman needs a little help sometimes, and we're no supermen. But that fact hurts, and it sucks. It can make you feel like you aren't any good. but just remember one little thing about it. No one else is doing it all on their own either. many people depend on you and will depend on you. Stay strong, be a part of your network.

Support. Assist. Survive.

Goggles

So I'm starting a new blog, feels wierd, always does.

My name is Phil, and I hope you enjoy reading my insanity. I'm really not that crazy, but I usually post when I feel something has to be said, so there you are.

Now, this is no exception. The past year has not been an easy one on me. Not by far. It has taught me alot though, and I think that is the most important thing it could have done. One of my big lessons was one on perspective. I grew up in a big suburban house outside the Twin Cities. I had spent time at others houses, but this is where I lived for 18 or so years. After a year of college, Circumstances arose and I took a year off from School, and here I am now, ready to go back to school as a different person. Why am I so different? My perspective has changed. I tried to fend for myself for a year, to prove I could, and I failed. I had help every step of the way. Lots of it. But I did get a good look in the face of a beast called poverty. I worked minimum wage jobs, spent many nights eating ramen or Mac & Cheese, and I was late on my rent more often than not. I've wised up. A little at least. So this summer is recovery for me.

Now another word on perspective.
The way I look at times in my past has changed too. The tint of the goggles, if you will. It is different from how I saw it then. Elementary school was a rosy pink that made things seem big and exciting, but then as time went on it got dirty, scratched and dark. Middle school was seen as a dark maroon, in my personal land of hate and be hated. Everyone seemed against me and no one tried to understand. Things happened and suddenly those goggles were ripped from me and I saw clearly for an instant. I put on Some light blue goggles that relaxed me a little, though every so often they seemed a little dark and foggy. My first year of college had darkened this finally to a cyan, that made me slack a bit too much, and then the brown, stressful tint set in and made it hard to focus at all.

Nowadays, I look back on it all with the clear vision that only hind sight can provide, as for my goggles now, I don't know what color they will tint my world. All I can hope is that they will help me see a new day.

I'm going back to school in the fall. Untill then I have much work to do, and less time to do it in. I need to take it one day at a time, as always.